diary of an unknown philosopher

January 2012

2012-01-30T15:52:00.003Z

Well I last wrote in August, time really has passed by....

The work in the restaurant kept me busy and I didn't have time for much. Spent the summer slaving for somebody else. Got some singing jobs too, I got Gui to give me a hand with the guitar playing and the first time we played together we made 18€uros,I could have made that on my own too!!80 €uros was tips for being so good..(Ehem) We did a few more gigs but Gui lost heart ad his girlfriend got pregnant so I haven't seen him too much...

By the end of the summer I was laid off again, was fuming. But business is bad here, J and E from the restaurant are going through a tough time financially I think. Still manage to get a few hours at the garden centre but that is nothing. Had an interview the other week but I never got the job, they are still advertising. Sometimes I think I must be a right crack pot.

I am so sick of working for others.!

I was contacted the other week by somebody who wants to form an Amy Winehouse Tribute band, we should be having a practice session next weekend. I also had someone interested in me singing at their Bistro, but they haven't got back to me yet. I hate waiting!!!

I actually just called them and they didn't answer.

Makes me wonder if I should persist or give up..

My Portuguese student came back for the winter, it was great to see him and he was generous as always. He thought he might be coming here for good, but circumstances changed and he had to return to the USA. :(

So now I am trying whatever I can...I printed out some T-shirts at the end of last year, now I am trying to see if I can shift them online!!

Wish me look

My eldest son got a job writting cod for websites too...doesn't pay a lot but could have a bright future..my younger son still hates school, but I think he is getting along well with he colleagues this year...especially the female gender.

Summer Already!!

2011-08-07T23:16:00.003+01:00

Can't beleive how quickly the time is passing....and that we are in the summer already. Thankfully it is a very mild summer this year. So many things have gone on since I last wrote..I got a job in a restaurant, the one I sang in at New Year, but got laid off almost emediately, and as if that wasn't bad enough I quit my one day a week job at the holistic centre. So I was left with no job. I must admit though the cook there was just being sooo overly petty I had to leave or I would have hit her!..

In June I was invited to perform in a local theater and do my Amy Winehouse Tribute and it was liked by all...the other performers were excellent and it was a great night, with over 300 people assisting the show.

A little while later I got a few students who wanted to learn Portuguese from me, they soon diminished though, I am now down to one. And then I got a job in a mini market, and they sacked me after two weeks for making a mistake on the till...luck has not been shinning on me!! Got a call from the restaurant I sang in last year and he booked me for one night a month, not bad...

Then I got work back at the Restaurant that laid me off, and their girl left so it looks like I might be their new girl...well maybe I am not a girl..but a lady. (Eeeew)

Got back stage passes and tickets to an Iron Maiden concert (Via a friend) and went with the kids that was great!!! I am not a great fan of Metal, but it was a good night...

It has been hard to say the least. Also starting writing an official blog for a site called Anglo English....I have not had a chance to finish my paintings..I really must promote them....too much to do...

..and Amy WInehouse died...I mean...WT

Big Day!!!!

2011-03-05T13:30:00.006Z

Managed to convince a friend to come with me, my eldest son was worried that I would get lost in Lisbon. I found it ridiculous that I had to go to Lisbon for the audition, any civilized country would have had auditions all over. Not in Portugal.

Dave Picked me up at 5am. I was more than ready and waiting with my packed case, with all my Amy Winehouse imitation gear inside, and the microphone and cable they had told me to bring for some strange reason. Shouldn't they have all that stuff?

The night before, the 'organisers' had informed me that they wanted me to go before the Jury, as myself. This shocked me; the whole Amy thing is so I don't have to go as myself!

The had it al planned, I was to enter the stage in long coat, revealing nothing, leave stage again and put the Amy trademark wig on and go for it! I had a sneaking suspicion it wouldn't work.

The week before they had even changed the music arrangement I had, saying the one I had was poor quality! Never-the-less, this was my once in a lifetime chance to prove had what it takes. Susan Boyle eat your heart out!

Train ride was uneventful ( the journey for the first audition had been more eventful, not so much for the poor cow though)

We got to the theatre and played the waiting game. At 12 pm I was interviewed, again. The first time I had been interviewed as Amy, and now, because they wanted a 'surprise element', I had to be interviewed as myself. Not my plan at all!

At 1pm I had the sound check, they didn't need the microphone after all, just the CD with the backing track. I wasn't too sure of the song, and when they had informed me that I had passed I had told them I wanted to change it, but they wouldn't let me. At 2pm Jean was whisked off to the theatre to be 'coached' along with all the other 'spectators' and supporters. They were supposed to have been seated earlier but there had been a few hiccups.

The other performers sat around the waiting room, some did their stuff, others just sat, like me. I had already changed into all my gear after the sound check but had been told to remove the wig. So I looked like a pratt.

Suddenly everything seemed to happen at once. I was whisked off down corridors, passing changing rooms, which could have been used, and told it was nearly time. They sat me down in a rather darkened little waiting room just right of the stage. Strangely enough I didn't even feel nervous, I have done this Amy act so many times before, there was no reason to be. The make-up lady lashed lots of foundation on my face, and kept coming back to add just a bit more. That didn't boost my confidence much. Especially when she would sigh defeated, whilst she did it. I had great indents on the sides of my nose where my glasses had been, this caused her much stress indeed. The fact the area was so dimly lit, was not appealing either. I would look like a minstrel if she wasn't careful. The urge to pee invaded all my thoughts and I had to seek out a toilet no matter what. One of the girls said I could go if I hurried, and when I was in the bathroom another one came along, angrily scolding me for having the left the darkened waiting room. I got myself in a bit of tangle with my tights, and didn't even have time to check the foundation!

Before I knew it I was on stage clad in a long coat, without my wig, and facing the Jury. They asked a lot of question and as the 'organisers' had given me strict instructions not to reveal anything I couldn't go beyond;

'it is a surprise'

They didn't take it well, and when I said I still had to leave the stage, they liked it even less...

I struggled with he wig, and got some help from 'Barbara' the well known TV presenter, I wasn't even aware it was her at the time. I ventured once again out onto the stage to a huge applause!

The noise was deafening, and my biggest fear was that I wouldn't hear the backing music, they just wouldn't shut up!

The Jury asked if I was ready and I made the mistake of telling them I was, because there is no way I was ready for what was about to happen. The music started and I realised that the intro was too long, and the music was too low, I could hardly hear it!!!

The Jury looked impatient.

I uttered the first line and one of the Jury pressed the button, with a great 'bzzzzzz', the crowed gave me the thumbs down and grunted like a bunch of apes, in a very coordinated manner. Then came the next 'bzzzzzzzzz', at this point I couldn't hear neither my voice or the music, it was so quiet!

Finally the last 'bzzzzzzz' I sang for a total of 15 seconds!

Deflated I made my way to the front of the stage, as instructed but I forgot to pick the mike off the stand. One of the Jury asked if I really thought I could have won, when I answered no, the crowd roared. He asked if it had been Amy on or off drugs, I said off , but my voice was hardly heard, without a mic. I would have given them some serious grief, but these were professional 'ridiculers' and there were three of them and they even had the whole theatre on their side! I thought it just best to agree with everything they said and leave the stage as soon as possible. I wasn't even going to wait to see if they would say yes or no, I think I knew. However they had to go on with themselves. The lady Jury said I would never have a singing career. (I thought this would be for true if they ever showed this on TV)

I smiled and said thank you.

Off-stage however I was a woman possessed. I walked passed Barbara as I tore off my gloves, Amy would have been proud, headed for the corridor. A group of organisers followed me, telling me I couldn't do that. Hadn't they had enough!!

I was furious, I KNEW that plan was bad and I told them. They gave me back coat, which I had just left on the floor where I had thrown it before hurriedly placing the wig, and urged me to go back to speak to Barbara. I told them exactly what I thought.

"You set me up!"

They observed in silence, and they did look pretty guilty.

I went back to Barbara and she asked smiling. She was quite scary, I mean hadn't she seen for herself? Was she that, disconnected?

"How do you think it went?"

In my mind my fist hit her face, straight on, however, I couldn't embarrass my self further so I had to just say:

"How do you think it went? You all set me up to fail!"

The thing that bothered me the most was the money I had spent to get there, and the fact that, one of the organisers the day before had tried to convince me to bring the whole family! When they were just setting me up.

I went back to get my case and Jeans, and asked if I could now enter the theatre, but they said that no one could enter or leave. They had actually sealed the doors wrapping tape around the handles so nobody could get in or out! Was that even legal?

I would have to wait more. I went for a quick brisk walk and had an idea!. I would ask for my money for the journey back! I targeted one of the organisers (one of the kinder ones) and told him I wanted my money back for the journey, he went off and after a little while he came back, and said we had to talk. He took me to one side and asked me to show him the train ticket, he took the money straight out of his pocket!

That made me feel better!. I had stood up for my self and it had paid off!

Later on when Jean left the theatre we went to look for a place to stay. I was feeling tired by now. She told me of her ordeal too, how the organisers wouldn't let anybody leave the theatre, not even for a pee! It was a nightmare.

The rest of our stay in Lisbon was quite pleasant. The people in work could not believe me when I told them I was booed off the stage.

I was glad it was over, and even gladder that I had my money back!

That was proof of their guilt!

New Year! January

2011-02-01T20:13:00.005Z

So with the new year would come a new phase, this was going to be the year I could feel it in my aching bones; or so I thought.

The Rural Tourism place had toyed with the idea of putting me on their books, with a contract..all sounded good, but, there was a problem, they didn't have the hours to give me. On the contract was written 25 hours a week and they could only give me about 8 a week. I wasn't too happy about this and avoided signing the contract as long as possible. The contract would also mean a drop in wages, from 5€ to 3€ an hour..! So I had to think carefully, but for the mean time I continued to work there.

Dave, the cook told me he would be leaving at the end of the month too, so for sure they would get less clients, as he was good. So I wasn't the only one worried about my Job, were all worried about our jobs, except for Dave.

We went out for a meal one evening, Dave, Maria and I. Maria's husband had recently committed suicide, about two months earlier to be exact, and she was taking it incredibly well. She is just one of those people who are so nice, wouldn't say a mean word or criticise in any way. The kind of person I would love to be, but I am over critical and neurotic...

Dave paid for dinner which was great, I could have gotten used to it!

The 9th of January was for my second phase of the auditions, and I would have to go to Lisbon, again! I asked Dave if if he would mind taking me to the station as I had to stay over night and he said he didn't mind at all. I would also have to miss a day of work! But what the hell, this was my chance for success!!!

Last Summer

2011-01-20T22:06:00.003Z

After the winter things seemed to improve, just the fact that the sun was shinning was almost enough, to bring pure joy. It was the wettest winter for 100 years or something like that, and I was glad it was over.

In the spring time things started to pick up at the centre and I had more work again, then in August they decided to give us only one day instead of three! So my wages were reduced significantly, I had to think of something...so I thought about performing.

Singing and such.

I had been practising on my guitar quite a lot and actually wasn't too bad, I even had somebody who I played with occasionally. So I put the word out and got work through the summer singing solo...amazing!

This one place payed me 100euros a night!

Managed to go to the beach a few times with the kids and even go out a few evenings to the Town, but not much. I found a rural tourism place locally and started work there too. That started to get things up and running again. In September the singing stopped and I worked hard at the tourism place. Met a nice bunch of people too. By december though the work was less again! The worst thing is I had now developed an ongoing tendonitis....which didn't show any signs of getting better.

Work in the tourism place was fun. One of the girls I worked with was convinced that me and the cook were made for each other and she kept telling us. So we used to play around a bit.

He was a widow, and had been for two years, but last year he had met someone online and was going to leave Portugal and spend some time in Indonesia with her.

So he was out of bounds anyway.

Towards the end of the year I auditioned for Portugal's got Talent, and passed the audition!

Things were looking good.

On the Move (recapping December)

2010-09-11T10:55:00.003+01:00

I cant believe it is nearly a year since I have written, so much has happened in the time,which is probably why I haven't written. The dreaded Facebook took a lot of my time and in vain I might add. Friends who turned to dust, but that is another subject for later on.
So in December we finally moved house, through a random and bizarre chain of events we stumbled upon the house we are in now. A very nice place. My 'Ex' stayed at the other house and didn't seem to mind, it is better that way. His behaviour was getting worse and worse, it was so good he agreed on the split and to continue to support me and the children. It isn't an easy situation and I don't feel good about it, but there are no alternatives.

Th first night was strange in a different house, it seemed so alien. Not to hear the same dogs barking outside the door, although it meant I got a good night's sleep it still didn't stop it from being a little eerie. The only thing that spoilt the bliss of the move was the weather. I have never seen so much rain in three months. Three whole months it rained! It came in through the roof and under the doors it was a constant fight just to keep the water out. It meant moving furniture and arranging things differently, but it wasn't the end of the world. There were people who suffered much more. The house we had just left was in a terrible state, I cant imagine how we would have coped there if we had stayed.

Christmas was sad. I had no money and the centre I worked for shut down for the month, so I had no wages for that month. No presents for the kids, just slippers and socks...they didn't take it too bad considering.
The rain continued into January and February, it was tiring. The house had no heating so we had to use electric heater to dry clothes on, much to the revulsion of the landlord, as electricity is included in the rent!
My eldest son had decided to take a year off school and try and find some work, but there was none. So instead he stayed at home on the PC learning as much as he can in the areas he has interest in. Not easy.

I am going to leave it here for now and try and recap a little more another time. So much to do so little time....

Long Time

2009-11-02T18:12:00.002Z

Havent written for a really long time...just havent managed to get round to it. WHat with all my groups on Facebook and all the other forums I belong to I just dont get a minute.

Not a lot has trealy been happening, or maybe it is to the contrary, maybe too much has been happening. We have been busy in work which is great, I have been working ful weeks. Nice to fatten up the paychecks.
We are also looking for another house. My 'husband', is staying here though. We cant seem to find anything within our range, but I refuse to give up...I so want to get out of here...and run just as fast as I can to the middle of nowhere...
I want to do so much and dont have the time..
My eldest son has left school for a year, he was getting really stressed out. He has some problems he wants to deal with and he asked if he could see a shrink...so I got him a good one. I saw her a few times and she was very nice, I think he likes her also.

this was just a quick update, havent been here for so long that I had forgotten my password...my gmail account will not accept it....

Knowledge

2009-08-10T23:58:00.003+01:00

I got to thinking today. It didnt even hurt...
The thing is, I cant understand that when I voice an opinion about something people get so on the defensive.

On FB it happened a few times with one freind, got really pissed off when I mentioned God once and really started giving me a hard time about it. Took me off his friends list and everything. Just because I said I beleived in God! Calledme stupid.
I mean why behave like that?

I joined these forums on the net for personality dissorders. A women on each one got stroppy with me.
The cyclothymia one I dont even recon I want to post anything anymore. A few of the women really negged me out. Saying I should see a shrink and that I was refusing to see there was a problem with me. It wasnt that at all. If I went to the forum in the first pace it was because I felt there was a problem. I feel now is the time to deal with it. But the women insisted that I was refusing to get a Psychologist etc...in the end you know it al seems so futile.

When I went back and looked at the stuff i had posted, it had a lot of veiws.
One women completly missinterpreted almost all the things I said...
I told them I wouldnt be posting anything else till I got a diagnosis, and I havent.

The other forum it was a younger girl, she said I shouldnt be using the forum if I wasnt diagnosed bla bla. Same story. But the forum monitors said I could, and I was more than welcome. That was very nice of them. That forum however is for a completely different kind of disorder and I'm sure they do their best not to neg people out. They are more sensitive.
It is a very interesting forum. I like their ideas and notion of life, dreams, fantacies...etc. The other forum just seems to concentrate on medication and stuff...the ones on this forum, although some are quite disturbed they have a different outlook on life. They are philosophical.
They are in the Schizotypal catergory. Interesting people. Ieven met one on facebook. He is so sweet. It is sad what some of these victims have to put up with. Some of them are so severe. I just find it all so interesting...the mind, psychology and such...

Well that was a big one today...didnt even touch the mundane stuff...

I phoned a shrink yesterday to make an apointment, she said she was on holiday and that she would refere me to someone else. So just have to wait and see.

My freind S came round in the morning too, that was unexpected. I hadn't even put my sofa bed away!...it was nice that she came round though.

Birthday Day...

2009-08-05T22:38:00.004+01:00

I got up this morning, made a cup of tea and dragged my youngest out of bed, because he had a Yoga class in the place where I work.
Fortunatly I didnt have to work today and decided to just go and maybe use the computer and wonder around and relax abit.
I so needed to relax.
My son went to Yoga and I went to the reception ans said hello. I then went down to the kitchen to see if I had any messages on the restaurant phone. But I didn't. The cook didn't look too happy but it might have been just the impression I got. I made a point of not sticking around. I didn't want to start helping out because I would have got sucked in and I needed to print some lyrics for the songs I have to learn...sooo many.
I went back to the office and used the PC. MR arrived and came into the office, he was grinning a lot, and seemed pleased to see me. He left the office again, after sending a fax and then came back almost imedietely with a large package and my wages-:)
I thought for an instant that the package might have been for me, but I quickly dismissed the idea as I thought it just wouldnt happen.
He handed methe envolope with my wages and the package and said:
'and this is for you'
I didnt know what to do so I asked:
'ah is this from everybody here?'
he said that it was from him, only.
I just wanted to throw my arms around him a declare my undying love for him. But instead I just held the present and I knew what it was straight away. Two canvases, well I thought it was one, but it was two. I said to him I knew what it was without even opening it. I then became very obviously flustered and said thankyou to him and said that I had no idea what to say, it was so unexpected. He just smiled...
So now I am obsessing again. I had just put all those feelings asside and had got through it and now he did this.

I don't know what to do.

After all he is much younger than me, although I dont think of age with him because he is so wise sometimes...he has given me some good advice. He convinced me to stay in my job when I wanted to leave. He has been so great. He leant me his car!!!!
I just like him so much. I am confused. I am not sure what I feel for him. I wasnt sure we«hether to give him just a small kiss in gratitude. Kissing on the cheek here is very common, but for some reason we never kiss. We never have done. The other women have all kissed him on the cheek, on his birthday etc. I just cant..i am not the kissy type though, sometimes all that greeting eachother with a kiss bugs me to tell the truth.

Sometimes I think I want to tell him how I feel, but the fear of rejection stops me from doing that though.

I printed out my lyrics after finally getting my head together. MR stayed in the office a while, just working on something.
The women from reception told me to go to the restaurant because they had a cake for me.
I got my son from yoga class, the yoga teacher was so pleased with him, me too. She said he is doing great.
We sat around in the restaurant and waited for the cake. Some of the staff trickled in and the cake was placed on the table it was very weird actually. Not like every one elses birthdays there. (It wasnt as bad as last year though,neither was it like the few birthdays I remember from childhood, which could have been directed by Hitcock himself)
I am glad really, that it wasn't overdone... MR sat opposite me and C sat down beside me. She is so funny, I love to wind her up. I never told anyone MR got me a present, neither did he, and funnily enough, no one else there remembered...he made my day he did. Still buzzing off him today.
______________________^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^__________________________

Happy Birthday to Me

2009-08-05T01:52:00.003+01:00

Well, another year has passed, amazing! It is hard to beleive.
This time last year I was so stressed and depressed, and thought that life was not going to get any better, and cannot beleive the changes that have happened.

For one I got a job, and I am still working! When I bumped into my ex-shrink the other week he was surprised, like he thought I wouldnt have stuck it out or something. I am surprised it lasted though, I havent had good luck in the past.

I have sold paintings in the place where I work to and somebody is interested in an exhibition.
I also need to paint some pictures for a local craft shop.

But the best thing is my new guitarist...finally found someone! Hope to God it all goes well, cos it seems too good to be true.

I have learned to play the guitar, a bit better than I had done...lol, but not good enough.

My youtube veiws are up...and getting positive comments. I have made some amazing contacts on the Internet over tha last year also.

It is funny, how life is never over till it is over. Whilst we still have breath in us, we can still go on to another day, and nobody knows the future.
Glad I stopped seeing the shrink, I was so sure towards the end that the therapy was just bad therapy.

Energy

2009-08-02T13:27:00.003+01:00

I went to the meditation again the other night, it wasnt as strong as the first time but the discussion was interesting, I will post it later on. It was just what I needed to hear. :-)

Seem to have a lot of energy these days. Seems that if I sleep less I have more. I find also sometimes if I eat less I tend to have more also. However I did devour a McFish last night and Chips, then went to the cinema to see 'The Hangover', with my kids, It was silly but enjoyable.

I woke this morning and tidied the back of the house in preparaton for painting, yes I still havent painted the house! There is just so much prep work necessary before I even start, scraping and filling in holes, tires me out just thinking about it. I should get up early tomorrow and really get stuck in!
Did a big tidy in the main entrance of the house yesterday. (I could call it a conservatory but that wouldnt be the correct term so we call it 'the Marquise')

That was a chore!The dogs sleep there and the hairs were growing legs and walking round on their own, so I had to attack. I suffer from allergies to dust , dog hairs and almost everything else, so I always put these tasks off till the last minute.

We have a really primitive system here. No Mains water and no sewerage, so I have to bail out my washing machine. I can't enjoy the pleasures of a machine like others can, I have to carry buckets of water here and there. But on the positive side, I use the water for cleaning the floors outside etc...
So the 'Marquise' was cleaned with my washing machine water, so the dust didnt kill me, and a few things changed round.

I am into changing things at the moment.

I need to.

The forum I had been visiting changed over and I cannot get back in...I dont know if it was intentional. Strangly enough it mentions on the page that is left that, that it is now a 'read only' site, but I can't get any of the old posts...strange..stuff like that can get me paranoid on bad days.

Good job I am not having a bad day...

The carob beans are ready for picking again also!!!

Cant believe a year has gone by already, I started this on the 6th August last year....

Internet and more

2009-07-28T13:23:00.004+01:00

Well never seem to write too much but here goes.

Having car trouble for a change, seems so normal to always have a problem with a car, why do my cars always give me greif? Is it due to some kind of cosmic quest to destroy any positivity within?
When things start to go well for me there is always something else to go wrong and it is ussually something major. I should just be grateful that it doesn't happen all at once...

I joined some forums online to find out more about the personality probs I might be experiencing. The first one I joined a girl got very stroppy because I hadnt been diagnosed and she said I was just taking the mick out of mentally ill people...bla bla...I could understand though although all I was doing whats just posting stuff I felt..
She later put a pole on to see just how many people had been diagnosed, as it happens it was rather interesting because half of them on the form haven't:)
The the other forum I visited another girl seemed to get upset for some reason and missinterpreted stuff I said, just so glad I had it written down. Some times friends will tell me I have said stuff when I know I havent, they think they can get away with it cos I am a bit cooky...:)
Well I have to contemplate risking a drive in the car to see if I can go to practice with my amazing new Guitarist!!! The best thing that has happened recently is him. It isnt a romantic quest but rather a musical one, and it seems very good..but My car has got probs so what should I do??? (check out just how many posts mention car trouble)

This dog wants its day!!!!

Encounter

2009-07-12T01:34:00.002+01:00

Went to the Arte Viva festival today, it was nice. This year I wasn't selling anything and could browse and chat with people.
I went with my younger son. My ex-therapist's kids turned up and My son went off with them. So I was at ease and sat with some friends who I havent seen for a while, engaging in interesting conversation.
Towards the end of the night, The Ex-therapist passed by and spoke to me. It wasn't as awkward as I thought It might be. I was going to say to him that I had be meaning to call him, but I didnt get the opportunity. Still would like to see him again, just to get some closure...
he asked me how I was and all the ussual. He seemed surprised that I was still working in the same place...He talked to the people I was sitting with for a bit, then his wife turned up and they both talked to the couple I was sitting with...and then left shortly after wards...~

Rang the other therapist, she has moved to another place, quite far away...
There are times when I think I feel ok and then something happens and I dont...

Meditation

2009-06-24T19:38:00.003+01:00

I went to the meditation, found the right room eventually, after disturbing a Dynamic Yoga class...oops
It was interesting to say the least. I reached a point where I got an old familiar feeling. The one where it feels I am going down a tunnel, being drawn to the other end..the feeling came from the forehead somewhere...(the third eye?...he he) that feeling i have had before..but I also had a kind of REM state. The sad thing is, it only lasted for about 10 seconds...the music changed and I couldnt get back there.

MR was there too. He didnt sit by me, even though there was a place next to me, I wonder if he did it on purpose or not. For what motives I would not have a clue...he can probably sense I am crazy.

Never made an appointment for L. Dont know if I should. Found this interesting forum, Schizotypal forum, I can identify with some of the traits of this dissorder. Some of the people seem more severe than others..seems to be the younger ones...some havent even been diagnosed. It is interesting though. Have made once 'connection' he sent me a short story he wrote, it was really good...
Phoned G the other day to get a phone number off her, but there was no one in, I thought she might try and call back, but she didnt...weird...I have seen her about..just to say hello to. With R though I just couldnt talk to him. If he reads this then I say this to him: 'You were not treating my right, and you know it!'
Well, bakc to life, dinner, folding clothes and another sleep and then work

Moving on

2009-06-15T12:47:00.004+01:00

Haven't written for a while, too busy, lazy or crazy to do so....

Work has been a bit of a strain of late, on the physical side, shopping has become tedious. MR was helping me but cant help me anymore and to do it alone is not so easy. He got a bad back and went AWOL for a few weeks, how I envied him...lol
On the emotional side, things haven't been too good either. Two of the women in work have a problem with me, both of them in the past two weeks have got angry and shouted at me...so I pondered what they said, and although their complaints stem from general missunderstanding, there does appear to be a kind of 'funcioning' problem on my part also..
So I am having to accept lots of things about myself, seriously. I mean, I know I can be a bit dappy and crazy, excentric etc, I mean we all can, cant we?

Dont we all have imaginary converstations with people who arent with us?
Doesnt everybody think they can read peoples minds...?
Paranoia...just a tad...
Doesn't god make it rain just for me then, because I hate the heat in the summer?

..therefore I think the problem could be more deeply seated, possibly a personality dissorder. SPD to be more precise. Did score 56 in the test, which doesnt really mean much...

Last year, in therapy, I had got to the point when I could admit things were not right with me, and wanted to do therapy seriously, instead of being distracted by stupid things...but my relationship broke down with R ( more like 'blew up'; Still not completely over that. Still get pangs...I go from missing him to hating him and almost wanting revenge...or a least just a chance to tell him I think he was out of order..he used me, he wasnt professional...!)

So I am seriously thinking of starting over and trying another therapist, but there is alway a but...too scared of what might come out..
Spoke to MR about a few things, he has been a rock for me in work, my car broke down over two months ago and actually died, he leant me his car! I mean..how? why?..of course from that moment on I had an undying love for him, he was so great..he picked me up for work every day nearly for a week, and we kind of bonded...(although something seems different since he went AWOL) I feel he understands some of 'my' stuff. One of the few who do...he actually recomended I go to a meditaion group this thursday, he said it has helped him loads...so I shall try the meditaion this week and maybe remake that appointment with L for next week...

Diaries

2009-02-16T16:57:00.002Z

After chatting with a friend on FB I realised that I had forgotten about my online diary...never have time to write in it...it seems

So what is new?

Obama. The crispy new president, who is so clean he squeeks! Or is he? met a guy on FB who has some interesting and sometimes rather mad, conspiracy theories; all interesting stuff.

It seems that the nations are casting thier eyes towards the Obama Bin Ladden..ooops Barack Obama, as they seem to think he is some new messaiah here to save us all from the economic recession that engulfs the globe; I wonder if he will....

I have been just working and being lazy too, not getting anything done...have to paint the house, and get it ready for the summer. The winter has been soooo wet. Well at least it has stopped raining now.

And I must stop here too...want to go and buy some shoes....I hate buying shoes...

New Year

2008-12-31T18:54:00.003Z

Well it is the last day of the year and I am sure that everybody is thinking about the previous year, and what they have, or haven't done or, worrying about the coming year.

I am neither here nor there...

For me the coming year isn't just mine. I cant make new years resolutions based on the things I feel I need or want. I just can't. Like I said the coming year is not mine alone, we are all sharing the planet, and every year that goes by it seems to become more obvious that we are all in this together. This planet just gets smaller and smaller, and the problems get bigger.

The end of the year brings floods to the USA, and who knows what else?

The the beginning of 2009 brings forth a shiny new President. Americas first Afro-American president...some say that is the omen*

The end of the year sees a masacre in Gaza. I find that rather strange, Bush's term is almost up and then suddenly the ceasefire is broken after 6 months... over 500 people killed hundreds missing and more that a thousand seriously injured; and the world turns a blind eye. Who cares? I mean it is New Year a time of festive merriment, and sorrowful drunken tears. I find it as strange as Bush's recent visit to Iraq, to 'say goodbye to the troops' but I believe the real motives of the vist were overshadowed by, in my opinion, a planned attack with a pair of shoes; a distraction. An unwhitting attack provoked by the powers that be...so as to not give rise to to many questions as to just why he really went out there?

So my prevision of the coming year...I would say, difficult, for all. A major dissaster shortly into the year, in places where they do not normally occure. Possibly an earthquake...and Palestine and the Middle East will become very tense and Obama will have his hands so full of hot potatoes, he wont be able to think straight...what with the economic crises and all..he will be so easy to manipulate in that state...just as they planned.

Conspiracy theories..you bet!!

he he...

So may the coming year fill you with wisdom and the strength to deal with whatever comes you way...may you learn to want what you need instead of needing what you want. May you be thankful for what you have...

*Like in the dissaster films, whenever a meteorite is about to hit the earth, there is an Afro-American in the whitehouse...(he he)

Update....

2008-11-05T22:36:00.003Z

Well, I haven't written for a while have I?

Some interesting stuff has happened..met some people online, who I like chatting to. One I tell all my broblems to and the other I hear all his...but I can identify with them because of what happehed with R.

M has been quite useful I gave him this URL so I have to be careful what I write (lol) I like talking to him though he gives some sound advice, he reminds me a little of R, the things he talks about...I told him he was great...dont know where it came from, I think it was just the fact that we connected so well that day, and he told me what I wanted to hear...lol. It is strange I knew him all those years ago, but never really knew him, facebook is great for this stuff...

As for the other one, (have to give different initials....I shall call him P) same thing, someone I knew and I am getting to know him better, I dont even think we evereven talked before!!!

Can't seem to connect with females though...weird? I am very masculine minded, never thought like a girly...Give me a drill and a sander for my birthday and I am happy...not into diamond rings and stuff...cant seem to get in contact with my feminine side...dont like to feel vunerable maybe...?

I have had to be tough in my present relationship, strong minded and there for the kids, I am not like a normal mum...

Anyway.....

I am meetign R next week for a coffee... why? I dont know. I thought that M had said I should maybe talk to him, but apparently he didn't....(?) soooo I sent him a text asking if I could talk...and he called me back today.... :-)

It was nice to hear his voice...but I fear I am just going to prolong the suffering....it is like picking a scab...before it has healed.

The thing is, I just cant wait to see him...M asked me if I know what I am going to talk about...

good question...I could just say I missed him...and want to have his babies....

No, not really.

I could say that I feel there is something that needs finalizing between us..the truth be known I want him to admit that he feels something for me. I think that is what I want. But he won't do that..he is a shrink..he will tread all careful and not answer in a conventinal way....

C put me back on his friends list again, I haven't spoken to him though. It will take a while...

I am leaving here for now anyway...tired and I think I am coming down with something...

Busy as a Bee

2008-10-10T23:56:00.003+01:00

Another week has flown by!

Work has been good, managed to get the kids organised this week so I wasn't so stressed. My youngest went to a party today straight from school. My eledest cam home on his own.

I had my first German lesson this week and my second Webdesign lesson...the latter was more difficult, too much stuff to remember!

My sister is over at the moment, she came over to look after my aunt for a bit, two weeks to be precise.

Went to Lu Jong on Tuesday, it wasn't too bad this week. I didn't feel emotional this time. G's dog must have followed her and it barked and cried outside. The Lu Jung teacher didn't look too happy. G just smilled. lol I saw R too, he looked in the window as he went passed, I think he saw me, I am not too sure though, he didn'tlook to happy either. Didn't feel too good after seeing him. He has never contacted me again, posibly never will. I bet I don't even bump into him!
After Lu Jong I went shopping with the cook from work, we went to Makro.

All in all it has been a very busy week and I am now going to bed. R is still the last thing I think of... Sad I know! I realy miss him though, I would love to see him, but I feel it is just wrong. C said that I was "chasing after my friend's husband". When you put it like that it sound so sordid. But it wasn't like that, at all. I couldn't help what I felt. I stopped it didn't I?

I havent spoke to C again. I think it will be very difficult for me to do so. fter the horrible things he said, I can't imagine that he would want me to.

I even gave away the ring he gave me when I was 17. Time to move forward.

The financial crises is big news at the moment. Things are prety bad. I have to get the olives in and plant potatoes!!

When Frendship Fades

2008-10-02T21:15:00.002+01:00

I was reading over this blog to see the insane things I have written. I was just reading about R and my last encounter with him.
It was my last.
He never contacted me again, not even after I sent him the email asking about the dream workshop (Sometimes I think that G gets to his emails and deletes them) anyway in the place I work they are going to have one too, might just sign up.
R told me he was my friend and I used to tell him he wasn't; he used to tell me that G was too; and I would say that she wasn't either. This would make him look at me as if it was just a lack o acceptance on my part, but I knew it wasn't. Deep down I knew that they weren't really friends. I don't know if I have ever had any real friends as an adult apart from Fay. She never used to get stroppy or anything. We understood eachother quite well.

Even S isn't a friend. I wondered if I had been her friend because I really wanted to or because I was somehow affraid of not being for some reason. I always felt that she never really wanted my friendship, until last year when she upset me by saying that I offend people, even though it is a missunderstanding some times, and that is why they don't like me. I went to walk out of her house and she grabbed hold of me and begged me not to leave and said that she didn't want to loose my friendship, she cried...it was so weird. These kind of people just seem to like to have me around, for their own sake, and on their conditions, but as soon as they see I am only human and make mistakes and sometimes offend, they just go ape on me.lol Instead of forgiving me, like I do to them. S has offended me so many times but like a fool I just let it slide...as I do.
I have been so stressed because of making arrangements for my kids while I work and S hasn't even asked me how I am...

My freindship with C ended this weekend over the inernet. He became very abusive and brought up things from the past (he is an ex boyfriend), and said that he was glad my husband was a junky alcoholic, andthat I deserved him. He really hurt my feelings. All because I put some comments about my belief in God...Strangly enough all the emotion brought me back to R again, and how much I felt betrayed by him.

Just before I stopped therapy with R, I had become prety sure that it was time to move on. Start new fiendships. R said no because I had to work with myself etc. But I don't think so. I really think that I had to find people with , insight; opinions; ideas; people on the move and I seem to have found that at the new place I work. Might even start yoga there next week.

My last visit to the other yoga at the usual place was too emotional. I just don't think I can go there any more, but I cannot give up exercising altogether. All this emotional stuff just doesn't make sense to me...

I know now, especially after the break up with C, that t is time to move on

Dream Interpretation

2008-09-29T11:05:00.003+01:00

I dreamed I was in a school, the really old kind of schools. There were other students about and it was a very 'school' atmosphere. I was given some keys and the keyrings all had small plates on them with hierogliphics written on them. When I examined the key, it was only a point and not really a key at all. ANother student told me that I had to pull the spike out and turn it round, and it then formed a kind of tool for handicrafts...

Fast weeks

2008-09-26T20:49:00.002+01:00

Time goes by so quickly...

What with work and the kids at school, the week has gone in no time. My brother is still here, he picked the kids up a few times from school, and we have spent quite a lot of time with them. It has been good. The weather improved midweek. Unfortunately today my aunt was taken ill and had to go to the hospital, precisley at the same time they were visiting her!
They ended up going to the hospital with my uncle, I still haven't spoken to them, cant contact them...

Never heard anything from R. I asked him about a Dream Interpretaion workshop he is supposed to be doing in November but he still hasn't got back to me. Surprise! I thought of sending him a message on another phone to see if he responds; I know, I am evil!
I am sure I know others who mught be interested, maybe he is not sure about how it is going down yet...or maybe he thinks I only want to go so that I can see him, but that is most deffinately not true.

ttfn

Festival of Light

2008-09-22T20:53:00.002+01:00

Had a busy week, haven't had time for much really; the kids went back to school and it has been just rush, rush from one place to another. The worst thing is they get out of school early on the days I work...so I don't know what I can do. Last friday My youngest went to S's house after school; I had to work later because of the festival. I don't like to over do it though. I dont think i could do it every week, she might not like it, it is such a problem...

The festival went well I think. I never underbooked any staff and all ran well in that department! We stayed the night on Saturday in one of the little wooden houses, it was cool. The next day the kids went wondering round the forest, they loved it.

Met some interesting people, it was good. An Indian cheff kind of guy was playing his drum after heating it up in our cabin, really 'haya haya' kind of stuff. And another guy was playing the didgeridoo, bizzare. As soon as I get some photos I shall post them.

Never heard anything from R this week, never expected to really. It was nice to see him last week, I would like to see him again sometime...I really miss those bio-energetic massages! But just a coffee would be great too. We will see.

My brother is here at the moment and the weather is terrible! Going to eat there tomorrow evening...ttfn. too tired to write anymore, hardly slept at the festival and last night too. (yawn)

Freindship

2008-09-16T23:29:00.005+01:00

I have never really had a best friend; the friend who I reveal all to, I have always been a bit of a loner. In school very often as one term ended, so did a friendship. A new term would always bring forth a freind for that term.

I never really realised just how closed up I am until I did therapy. My thoughts are not the same as most people I know, especialy females. I don't feel like I think a woman should feel...until it comes to the opposite sex of course. People just don't get me. I talk alone. so there was never any point in revealing my thoughts or opinions. nobody ever really wants to hear.

With R, I know we have something different; the first time I met him, I could feel a connection. It wasn't phisical, it was something ' different', profound. When we part company he often says that we continue together , (I am sure he doesn't just say that to me). I could have sat with him for hours yesterday. When he said he had to go I just wanted to hold onto him. I actually told him not to. I still felt a little pain when I saw him, but I also felt something else I just can't describe. He is always on my mind, is it an obsession? I don't think so. He is the only person I have ever really opened up to. Confessed, my deepest feelings, I know in therapy that is the idea, but even if we had been friends I still would have eventualy I am sure. He actually did understand my insane thoughts a lot of the time, and he would listen.

A long time ago when G was in the US, I was going to go to his house, because he plays a musical instrument, I wanted to see, but I couldn't go, I was scared of what I was feeling. Even then I just wanted to fall into hism arms. It is the strangest thing; There is no logic in it at all. I want to be with him so much, I miss him when I'm not with him. I am in a hopeless situation. My freind C said that love for me is a curse. That's nice eh? I said to him that love is never a curse. I like feeling love for him, sometimes I actually think that he loves me too; but I think that is just wishfull thinking.

Went to Yoga today, it was OK. Even managed to see G and not crumble in her presence. If I wouldn't have seen R yesterday then I don't think I could have coped.

Water

2008-09-15T11:55:00.003+01:00

Took the kids to school this morning it was the ussual madness before leaving the house and missing the bus. Crossed pathes with R and G on the way back I wasn't sure if they had seen me or not though.

Met R for a coffee, I had a water, not feeling up to coffee yet, too hot. We sat and just talked about work etc...just wanted to hug him and not let go. I wonder if he sometimes feels the same. Or if he can see my thoughts in my eyes, and just wants to run a mile...
He told me that they saw me pass, and they thought that they were late because I was on my way back. He also saw me in the supermarket. I told him I went out my way to avoid him, and he doesn't know why...I said I wasn't sure how I would react...not sure he really understands how I feel.

He said G read the blog, not good, I didn't want her to. If she continues to read she might see something she doesn't like...well I stopped therapy didn't I, I didn't know what else to do?
I have missed you loads...

Sunday Again!!

2008-09-14T13:02:00.006+01:00

Well trying my best to get a little rest, just feel so tired. Really don't feel right today, feel a bit like I did that time I got pneumonia...hope I am not getting something...

Contacted a friend on facebook yesterday that I haven't seen since I was about 17, I might give her a call tonight. She was a good friend for a while, and she seems pleased that I contacted her; it will be so nice to catch up. She has two sons as well, one of 14 and the other is 16 in january. We were pregnant at the same time with our first kids! funny....she is married of course and did everything right...

Had a strange dream last night; There were a lot of tourists around and I was walking through the streets and going down really steep steps, very quickly, then through more streets and down more steps. I was jumping down most of them, but I was a little worried in case I tripped and fell; but I didn't.

I remember something about having coffe with R too, that we were interrupted in the cafe and never got a chance to talk.I am little ancious about tomorrow, and excited also.

I know I am sad.

Colin asked me what I expected from this 'reunion', I said just to not feel awkward in the future when I see R. But Colin seems to think I have romantic notions, I explained that I don't. I just don't want to lose R as a friend, I want to be able to feel comfortable in his presence...since I got his sms I have had the 'old feelings' coming back, though.

I really don't know what I expect; the best thing I always find is never to expect anything, that way we are pleasantly surprised! (or not)

I really don't feel well today.

Friday TGIF

2008-09-12T20:41:00.002+01:00

Thank God it's Friday!

Last day of work today, tiring but enjoyable. We are making the necessary preparations for the Festival of Light, cooks and helpers etc, that is with me, I have to co-ordinate it all! It is all experience I supose.

Been thinking about meeting R. Feels strange knowing I have arranged to meet him. I printed his email and mine, just to quote if necessary... I hope the meeting isn't conflicting in any way.
I am really looking forward to seeing him, I know I shouldn't, but I cant help it...just have to control myself, and not be too eager. If I get too excited I will just mess everything up!
I think he was right when he said that the "distance between us was both convenient and necesary", but I don't want our friendship to end; if we still have one that is.

I don't know, I am just talking rubbish. Thinking about him too much again...how come he effects me like that?

Going to Jumbo with kids...

2008-09-10T22:43:00.002+01:00

Yep it is official, I am meeting R for a coffee. I don't really know what I am going to say... he said I could talk to him about what I wanted to. I am not sure what it was now. LOL

I don't know if it is going to be easy seeing him, he will be alone. I just feel a bit upside down at the moment concerning him and therapy and everything...I just know I am looking forward to seeing him. I am glad he sent me an sms.

Coffee?

2008-09-09T20:35:00.003+01:00

The cat is good today...thank god, it would have been too sad if he had died. I thought he was dead when I picked him up, he wasn't moving or breathing. Amazing how strong they are.

Did shopping for the restaurant today and took the kids; and the cat, to the Quinta. F one of the therapists, gave the cat a massage. lol. He told me the other day he wanted to see it. The kids really like the place where I work, and we might stay over for the festival, either in a tent or in one of the bungalows.

When I got home, I got a message of R. He said that maybe we could meet for a coffee, so that I could have a talk with him. I wasn't sure at first, but then I said OK. (Don't know if G is coming as well). I would have prefered, in his consultation room, but I think that maybe it is better like this. I just don't want to get emotional though.

I really thought that I would think about him differently now, and wonder what I had made such a fuss about. But seeing him yesterday made me see, that, I suppose it is going to take longer to get over this than I thought.

Put some old fotos on face book can't wait to see the reactions....

Close Encounter

2008-09-08T19:21:00.004+01:00

Woke up this morning and couldn't get R out of my head. Stupid isn't it? I must have dreamt about him, I was actually thinking of him last night. He has krept back into my thoughts again.

I got up after some pointless thoughts, not as early as I wanted to though. I wasn't going to iron my trousers, but I had a feeling I would bump into R today, so I ironed them. lol

Had to go to the town to sort out paperwork and stuff for the kids school; gladly everything was in order. I also had to go to the museum and get my pictures. I never sold anything though, never mind, I am hoping to put them in the restaurant where I work eventually...but in time, don't want abuse it.

Had to go to...

had to stop writting because my eldest nearly killed the kitten by accident...so sick of surprises. I don't know if he is OK, I think he was knocked out, I sent them to get carob beans...so angry with him. He threw a full water bottle in the air and when it came down it hit the cat. The two of them were crying, the youngest was almost screaming, my heart is still racing...(It is later on in the evening now and the cat seems fine)

Then after the museum we went to the supermarket. R was there, his youngest son spoke to me, and I spoke to him, he is so cute, but I never spoke to R, I saw him pass in the isle but I did my best not to bump into him. I really didn't think I would feel this way, I couldn't function properly, I can't even believe I feel like this still! I thought that I could cope with seeing him by now. This was the reason I wanted to see him in his consultation room, to try and overcome this initial fear. What a backward step; maybe it is because before I was so busy, I wasn't really dealing with it.

I had to go to the photo shop, I couldn't even say hi to G, at the Pizza Place!

Had a heart to heart with a friend, who I haven't seen for ages in a chatroom and he has just split from his girlfriend. I know R wasn't my boyfriend, but I saw him once a week for over a year, it was more like an emotional affair. I don't know how R feels, all this possibly doesn't bother him. He would probably say that I was overreacting, and should just stop being stupid. But there is a part of me that says, his feelings were also strong for me.

I will never know.

I miss him much more than I thought I would.

Contact

2008-09-07T23:25:00.003+01:00

Sunday, again!

Had a small party for my son yesterday, very small, only S and her kids came. It was nice to see her actually, she stayed till about 10pm. The kids seemed to have a good time.

Two others kids never turned up, it was better like that though. S said that R and G went camping, so they couldn't have come either.

Made contact with some old friends on Facebook this weekend; in the chats, funny...the computer can't cope though, it clogs up.

Haven't heard from R. Don't suppose he will bother now. It is a shame because I would have liked to have just, I don't know...smoothed out the creases a bit. I will just have to bump into him one day and feel awkward I suppose...it just seems such a shame. I really like him, I am not talking in a romantic sense now, I mean as a friend, we connected; but now it all just feels, well, 'broken' and irreperable.

L

2008-09-05T22:01:00.003+01:00

I had a good day at work today. I was glad it was friday though...

When I got home I decided to phone L and cancel. I just don't feel that I need to see anybody. She was really nice about, I appologised and said I really didn't think it was necessary, as my problem has been resolved, and I felt that she could put her time to better use. She said my concern about wasting her time showed I had a kind soul.

That was a nice thing to say. She said that any time I felt like seeing her in the future I could and maybe our paths would cross beforehand. I then discovered that she is opening the Womens section in the place I work on the 19 at the light festival...

I think that we all have things to learn. No matter how much we think we know, we never really know that much. There is a young woman in work and she is so nice, such a gentle spirited person: I think some people are just like that.

I am glad I have the opportunity at this new job. It is all due to my ideas and effort, maybe it will all pay off in the end.

Spoke to V today, I have to get my pictures from the Gallery on monday, hope I can put them somewhere else straight away...

R never got back to me about seeing him this month. Maybe his computer is down again. What he doesn't say concerns me more than what he does say. The fact that he just couldn't openly say "ok this date or that date" but nada...wierd.

Thinking about him still stirs emotion

Malandra

2008-09-04T19:42:00.003+01:00

Today's post is about the 'Malandra' thing. Otherwise you wouldn't understand what I mean.

There was a time when i sent G a text message asking her if she wanted to go to a car boot sale. She sent me a message back saying that she was still in bed.

I called her 'malandra', which in Portuguese between friends is not offensive. She took offense ( I didn't quite realise just how much until I saw R again) I rephrased what I initialy said, as it was not my intention to offend and I said «oh I meant 'Linda'» which means beautiful.

Now when R saw me, he said that G was very offended by what I had said. I explaned to him that it wasn't meant to be; it was an affectionate term, like calling a freind lazybones, (scoundrel) for not getting out of bed.

He however would not have it, he said it meant 'a lowlife'; he referred to an incidence where somebody had accused him of not paying his rent and they had called him 'Malandro' in a malicious sense.
He stuck to his idea that I meant to offend her, and that I did it subconsiously, but with the intent to hurt.

I was dumbstruck, I told him to ask a mutual friend, and he would tell him. I don't think he every did. He would not sway from what he beleived it meant, not even an inch; he wouldn't even entertain the possiblity that he was wrong and I was right.

He made me feel very bad that day. It all seemed so petty, he had completely missunderstood something and was blowing it all out of proportion.

The other day at the place I work I asked a couple of the women who work there and are Portuguese, if malandra was really that bad, I was willing at this point to admit I could have been out of line.

They just laughed and said not at all, they said the person I said it to must be over sensitive.

I think so too. I think that G, deep down wanted me to offend her.

They evidently missunderstood. It upset me that he didn't beleive me though. He would tell me sometimes how intelligent I was; and then he insulted my intelligence with something like that.

It all seemed so petty.

I should have seen the signs.

Cliché Psychology

2008-09-01T18:01:00.005+01:00

Well, we still haven't got a home for our cute little kitty, I might give it to Jess for her birthday!! lol. I am not sure if I mentioned it or not, anyway a kitten turned up at the house, and we have been feeding it and looking after it, but he is so skinny, he only weighs 500g...

It is my sons birthday on Wednesday and I am working, so I thought we could have a party on Saturday. I invited S's boy and have to invite a few more. There won't be too many though. He doesn't want R's kids to come, it is a shame in a way because they might think that I am being petty and not inviting them for spite or something, but then thinking about it, I really don't think I care what they think. I know what I think, and my motives for doing things, if they missunderstand, then there is nothing I can do to convince them otherwise.

It is interesting when we think about psychology, I mean the brain is so complex and every individual; a universe. I think that teqniques of psychology can become outdated. When we consider how people thought in the old Freudient days, compared to now. Life was very different in those days, sex was taboo (hence freud's obsession with it) women were very oppressed, people didn't have the general knowledge which they seem possess these days The basic psychology theories about the 'mother' and 'childhood traumas' etc. seem to be common knowledge, in Freud's day only he and a bunch of others knew. (Sometimes though I can't help but think that it is all just an excuse for bad behaviour)

Psychology then, just as the human mind, should evolve. A cliché psychologist might not comprehend a patient, especially if he sticks to 'the book'. Some patients are very deep and profound, not necesseraly mad, but they may be perceived as such. Some patients are cleverer than their psychologists, and can trick them (I know, in the end they are the ones who are being fooled; but it can be done. Sometimes I could steer the course of conversation in a session)

I mean how can somebody who doesn't know us, fathom the mysteries of our mind? What if they 'misinterpret' things? They would never think that the patient was right, the patient doesn't have a degree in psychology. I also beleive, from experience, that things can be over analysed; leeding to the famous expression:

"he can't see the woods for the trees. "

It is so true.

I believe that I am very in touch with my feelings, I constantly 'check' myself. But the thing that really bakes my cookie, is when I am missunderstood. (Sometimes I am an ass too I know) But when people will not believe what I am saying, or take it to mean something else, it irritates me.

I suppose it is like I said earlier. If R and G beleive that I am not inviting them to my sons party out of spite, then there is nothing I can do or say to convince them otherwise.

I probably shouldn't really say this, but R dissapointed me. I really thought he was going to be a different kind of psychologist; inspiring; dinamic, but he is just a regular guy. As a man I think he is adorable, but as a psychologist...

I am going to see L next week, just so as not to cancel again. I really don't think that I like having people trying to tell me what I am thinking; especially when they don't know me.

Knowbody ever really knows anybody. Sometimes people get a fixed idea in their heads (especially when influenced by third parties) and it is very hard to change it. I find both R and G pretty much like that. Like the 'Malandra' thing...

Email from R

2008-08-28T18:06:00.004+01:00

R sent me an email today, it was prety much as I expected it would be.

It was so wierd I dreamt about him last night. He said he was sorry ha hadn't contacted me but he had been busy and we sat and talked, it was so nice. Today I thought that maybe he had his reasons for not contacting me.

He said his computer has been down and he doesn't have time to reply to patients; and in my case, ex-patient.

OK. As a friend I suppose not either. ( the confusing line between therapist and cliente/friend, in dual relationships)

I would like to see him in September, but I don't think he will be too willing, he said the distance between us is necessary, I think so too. I don't think he knows how difficult it has been for me, I don't think he really understands just how much I like him.

Whatever.

I have gone back to just not wanting anybody. Therapy, became the problem. Before I never really had one, or rather the problems I had were worn in, I was used to them. I could handle them.

I am so much better since I finished. It is strange.

ANyway off to the shop with my youngest.

I don't know what happened with my last post, but it takes forever to appera on the screen....

Catching up

2008-08-27T20:52:00.002+01:00

Haven't written since Sunday, I think it is a good sign...not going on about R so much! Don't have the time.

Wanted to go to the beach with the kids yesterday, the neighbours pool was still open so they swam there instead and we ended up going to the cinema in the evening, we saw . The Mummy 3, and we did some shopping as well. I got my youngest some clothes, it is his birthday next weem.

Went to work today, we were very busy, 39 people!

It is cashing up at the end of the day that does me in. It is too hot. I had to go and do some shopping as well... Another day another dollar.

Still haven't heard from R. (?) Amazing really, I mean imagine if I was a really unstable kind of person, he could have got into problems treating a psycho like that. From what I read on the net, some shrinks get bumped off for less...

2008-08-25T14:48:00.000+01:00

SUNDAY!!!

2008-08-24T19:44:00.004+01:00

Haven't written for a few days, I have just been too tired.

Thank God it is Sunday!

I worked my last evening in the restaurant last night, and the wages weren't too bad this week. I just don't think that I could have had another three days like last Wed, Thurs and friday.

Karen just laughed when I said I was tired. 'You just hve to keep going' she said 'being tired is psychological'. That is the norm though,. People don't understand that the tired I feel accumulates, and if I don't rest at some point, I will just go down hill.

As I left, she said that she would probably sleep all day Sunday. So then I said that I couldn't have that privilage. Not with two kids. She wasn't sympathietic though. People never seem to be with me, I don't know why.

I do like Karen though, she is an amazing chef.

Today I baked. I made a quiche, some sausage rolls and a puff pastry tuna thing. I was really tired afterwards and went and sat at the neihbours pool. Nobody lives there and the pool was uncovered, we just couldn't resist. Anyway we have been keeping an eye on the place. The lawn needs some extra attention because the irrigation is badly placed.

I got 4 sacks of Carobs in today as well.

So glad I dont have work tomorrow I am going shopping for the other restaurant though, I have to check out some of the shops. Venture out into the unknown. The job is quite cool actually. It is a big responsability though. I am responsable for the running of the restaurant. The place has a nice feel.

One of the guests, Miguel, said that there was a convention of psychologist there; 30 of them! I said that I would be leaving imedietely. He laughed. (Litttle did he know about my motives for saying such a thing. LOL)

Anyway, I haven't heard anything of R. I am not comfortable with it at all. Just the thought of running into him. For some reason I think that we will probably run into eachother on the beach. Otherwise it might be at S's house; now that would be awkward.

I was going to take the kids to the beach today, but the pool was open!

God is Good

Another Day

2008-08-21T22:48:00.004+01:00

Today wasn't too bad.

The daytime job went well, managed to cope. Tomorrow is the last day this week.
The other restaurant was calmer this evening, and the good news is that Karen has somebody else to help her during the week so she said if I just do Friday and Saturday next week that should be OK. So I am pleased about that, I didn't want to leave her, without anybody.

Hardly slept last night though. Took me ages to drop off and then I woke at about 5.30, took me a while to drop off again. I am a bit hyper. I was thinking about R and stuff. The fact that he hasn't contacted me really upsets me. He said that we have a strong bond etc. but it didn't cost him anything to break it. Can't remember what I dreamt. But when I woke I wanted to cry. It is so pathetic.

I am still really sad about it all.

I am so glad I have had to work, it has helped take my mind off it. I want to see him though. I am going to to ask if I can see him before Jess's birthday, because there is a good chance that we will both be invited, and I want to be prepared.

I'd be paralysed if I ran into you.
My tongue would seize up if we were to meet again
What are you my God? You affect me like you are my God
What are you my blood? You affect me like you are my blood.

how long....

....Alanis

I really don't know how I would react. I have felt so many things over the past two weeks. It all seems so selfish though...I miss him, I feel, bla bla bla.
I feel OK one minute and then...I just don't understand;

you see? I, I, I...

First Day of Work

2008-08-20T23:39:00.002+01:00

Started first day today at Quinta da Calma, a little confusing. I am so tired. Luckily tomorrow shouldn't be as busy

This evening we did 41 people at the Restaurante. Karen gave us all a bonus.

Too tired, my back aches; my heart aches...I am just doing this coz i'm crazy, just got to keep busy...

New Job

2008-08-19T22:42:00.002+01:00

Haven't felt too bad today, probably because I cried myself to sleep last night. Crying cleans the soul. I hardly slept. It is a waste of time even speaking about R because I know it just isn't going to to happen. I have a new job to look forward to now, I have to concentrate on that.

Work in the restaurant this evening was good we had 28 people.

I will write more tomorrow, too tirred now and Grey's Anatomy is on!!

Oh I got the car fixed and the electrician didn't even charge me! Hope to god it stays fixed....

Later on the same evening

2008-08-18T22:23:00.003+01:00

I went to work this evening, it is good to take my mind off things.

Still hate R though.

I can't believe it, yesterday I was indifferent, almost, and today I feel a mess again, I just want to cry. I felt better that he sent me the sms on Wednesday, but now I just feel crap again. He doesn't care, it is obvious.

I walked to work, and on the way I got a phone call from Quinta da Calma. I got the job!!! Amazing; but I might not have a car...it is soooooo frustrating.

Why doesn't R acknowledge me? It is a horrible feeling. How can he go from being my therapist/friend to completely ignoring me? On wednesday it will be two week since I saw him. I can't even think of any excuses for him, there are non. Maybe I deserve it, maybe it is all my fault.

It is so confusing. I was supposed to see L today and have a talk to her about it and now, because of the car, I have to wait till the 6th of September! Just seems like a waste of time. I just want to scream, I can't talk to anyone about it.

That is the point of this blog I suppose

Car Trouble

2008-08-18T16:57:00.003+01:00

I went to pick up some Carob sacks off the land in the car and when I tried to start it again, it wouldn't start.

I turned the key and nothing happened. I just can't believe it!
I was supposed to see L (the therapist) tonight before work and I had to cancel, again. After all the work that was done on the car and now it is back to the same problem it had before.

What did I do wrong???

I have tried to be so positive about everything, and just get on. Now if I get that other job I haven't got a car! Why does life do this to me? One step farward, two steps back.

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!

R never contacted me. So he obviously doesn't give a damn. He is probably hoping I will just forget about him, and he can continue in his sheltered life; and forget about any damage he may have done.

I really am dissapointed in him. I hate him!

Emails

2008-08-17T22:36:00.002+01:00

Another tiring day of Carob Harvesting. I got 8 sacks in today! Good therapy..it is taking my mind off R. a bit, and strengthening my arm muscles. I shall be like a samuri worrior when I finsh!

Didn't take my mind off him enough though, because I sent him another email (he probably won't answer) I just wanted to give him the blog address for this blog. And because I am stupid, I got it wrong the first time and had to send him another one to correct it. Well I didn't have to send anything, but I wanted to.

I don't know why he is ignoring me.
Am I really that horrible?
I doubt he will even read this. I feel that where I am concerned he just blocks up. Maybe he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to encourage me.

I am beginning to feel indifferent to it all at the moment. I will just go to feeling nothing eventually I suppose. Until I see him again that is, that I don't know how that will be. I am dreading it to be honest. Especially if other people are present. I fear I will just seize up, block up, not be able to speak, or say all the wrong things, or even want to cry.

Is this normal?

If you do read this R, please understand that it is just to let these feelings out. I want you to know what I am feeling.

I have been reading about changing therapists. Apparently they sometimes like to get information from the former therapist, I don't know if I would like that. I already feel outnumbered as it is. R. G. and S.

Well I am going to see L tomorrow, before I go to work.

I am so glad I have had so much to do, otherwise I think I would have gone mad.

Carob Beans

2008-08-15T22:41:00.003+01:00

This morning I knocked carobs out of the tree, for about 3 hours.

It is good therapy.

I was thinking about God and stuff. I was looking at the program for This Spiritual place I might be working in and there is a man who is going to have a group meeting entittled;

Jesus: the psycho-therapist.

I thought that sounds interesting. The truth is, Jesus was my therapist, he helped me in ways I can't explain. He helped me see into myself, forgive others and all that. He never critisised me, because he knows me. That is the good thing about Jesus, he can see what is in our hearts. He never missinterprets.

R, I sometimes felt knew me, but other times he didn't. During therapy I forgot about God, almost. When things got really bad sometimes I would pray. Since the break up in therapy I have prayed, almost constantly.

Amazingly enough it helps, the other week I had no job, now I might have two. I dreamt last night that I was offered another job, but that would be too much.

Still haven't heard off R. I was hoping ne would contact me before I see the new shrink. I have been reading a lot about dual relationships with therapists...interesting. I have to speak to him, I have to know what happened. Did I lead him on? I tried so much not to. Sometimes I would actually want to seduce him in therapy !!(lol) I would even plan how I was going to do it and everything, but i never did, I controlled myself, I did my utmost as not to be a temptation.
(I really miss him, or just the fact that I might not see him for a long time).
I am such a whacko. I think maybe that was his fear, because I think he is too, and together...just wild.

I am not going to contact him again unless he makes the first move. I do want him to see this blog though, I am actually writting all this because I think it is better out than in.

Interveiw and other events

2008-08-14T18:11:00.002+01:00

This morning I rang the mechanic as instructed, so that he could bring the car back. I rang and he had his phone turned off! I rang a few times, but I couldn't wait too long because I had the job interveiw at 12:30. I called my friend S. but her phone was turned off too. The only person I could think of then was G., R's. wife. I really didn't want to but I didn't really have a choice.She said that she could come, but she would have to get a shower and everything first. She took 45 mins to get here, not too bad. I got a shower too, whilst I waited.

She picked me up at the supermarket, she had her kids with her. She chatted as we drove to the garrage, I didn't feel too chatty. I appreciated the lift, don't get me wrong it is just that...I don't know. All this stuff with R. has really wrecked my head.

I told her I called S. and she said that she was going to meet her at the swimming baths. I immedietly thought that they hadn't invited me, but I don't blame them. It is difficult to accept that your not acceptable, but I just have to accept it. They are a different league. I don't belong there. I felt like shit really. Especially after not hearing anything from R.

G. told me how she was speaking to 38 freinds on messenger, or its equivalent, the night before and didn't get to bed till 2 in the morning. That made me feel worse.

It sounds stupid but I feel so pushed out. Maybe I do it to myself I don't know. I just can't fit in and I can't even pretend to. I am just not like other people.

Got the car, thanked G and went back home changed my clothes and went for the job interveiw. It seemed to go well, we had lunch it was nice. Interesting place. A kind of spiritual centre. I shall know on monday if I got the job or not.

Whislt I was there R sent me a message, that just said: "I read your email".

That was it. I wrote back and said that I was at a meeting and asked if he was going to reply...and guess what?. He hasn't. It might be because G has been using the computer a lot and I think they went to the beach this after noon. Or maybe I am just making excuses for him.

The thing that gets me is the thought that he might have told her all the things I said in thereapy. About the way I feel about him and stuff.

I feel like such an idiot. This is just too painful sometimes. I am amazed how I have coped in front of people and my kids, but when I am alone I just cry. I feel like I just ruined everything, like it is all my fault.

Still Waiting

2008-08-13T21:44:00.002+01:00

Finished work early tonight, it was the first nght they had no customers...can't believe it. Karen said last time that I was a jinx!!!

I have another job offer, typical, when things happen they happen all at once! I am going for an interview tomorrow, rather lunch with the restaurant owner. It is a really good job in almancil...so I will have to give up the restaurant I am working in at the moment, and let Karen down.

I hate letting people down.
Karen only wants me for this month, the other job should be permanent. I just hope that I can cope physicaly. So I might have to make an important decision...the hours are 10am-5pm, and apparently the wages are good, and I wouldn't have to work weekends.

Now the waiting game...

I sent R a text message at about 4pm, just to ask if he received the email I sent.

He never replied. I don't understand. I mean is he ignoring me on purpose, or is this due to failure to recieve the message? I can't believe he would ignore me. I mean why would he do that? Why doesn't he just write to me and tell me, something; anything!. I just can't stand not hearing anything. I sent him the email 3 days ago!

This is the man who told me repeatedly he was my friend...I don't understand.

A Dream

2008-08-13T16:40:00.002+01:00

The other night I had a strange dream.

I had a shopping trolley and entered a public swimming baths. The trolley fell into the pool and I couldn't get it out. Inside the pool, under the water, were cages. There was no room to swim, but there was somebody there who was going to swim. I wanted to as well but I couldn't, I had to leave and go somewhere else.

I couldn't leave through the same door I entered, I had to leave through another. On the other side there was a narrow bridge it was more like a metal beam, I had to walk across, on the other side it widened slightly. Then there was a kind of bay, and the waves were rough, it seemed that I had to walk round it. I had a dog with me and I was worried that he might not make it so we went across towards the rocks instead.

Resume: Basically it just looks like tough journeys ahead.

I dreamt that Amy Winehouse was visiting me last night!

Waiting

2008-08-12T16:30:00.003+01:00

Well I weakened and wrote a message to R. on Sunday morning. I told him that I would be sending an email later on that evening and asked him if it would be OK. Couldnt decided if it was a show of weakness or strength, because the truth be known it took a lot of courage to do that.

He never answered.

So then I thought, maybe he never got the message, sometimes he doesn't. I havent been receiving some texts messages either. So I didn't want to send him another one just in case he did, and I didn't want to appear to be stalking him or anything, so later on that evening I sent the email.

He still hasn't replied. So now I shall just wait for an answer. I didn't write anything offensive, at least I dont think I did...I hope I didn't. ( OMG I just cant get it)

Yesterday I had to take my car for repair and leave it. at the garrage. I past by the place where G (Rs wife) works, the kids wanted a pizza. (I stated in my email to R. that I wanted things to remain as normal as possible, this includes interaction with G and other friends.) She seemed to be OK, she never greeted me with a kiss though, she normally does. She said that she could give me a lift back at 3pm, but I said that was too late, because I had to work in the restaurant that evening. I forgot to say "thanks but..." so she may take offense. Or she my take offense for something completely different...I really dont know.

My other freind S gave me a lift, we had already decided the day before that she would, if she could. I hesitated calling her just in case she said she couldn't..(.I hate rejection.) Anyway she said she could and she did. When we arrived I offered her money for the petrol but she wouldn't accept. I think she was offended. She said she was a friend and that is what freinds do. But when we drove home she was hardly talking to me. Not like how are you or anything, you know just small talk. I don't know if I feel that she is a friend.
When she said that I just sort of froze. Couldnt help it. I smiled and agreed. And she said that she was sure I would do the same for her, I said I just didn't want her to think I was using her.

I have been feeling terrible the past few days, emotionaly that is. It hasnt been easy, and I can't talk to anybody about how I feel. I spoke to another friend of mine, bust she isn't even in the same country. She said that R is an idiot who crossed the line, and that his own personl feelings had nothing to do with therapy. He shouldnt have got involved.

I dont think he is an idiot. I just think it was very difficult for him to deal with me. I actually think that we had a strong emotional bond. He could cope with it better because he is in a loving relationship. I am not. So he became the focal point of my effection. I dont think it was transference. I really think I am in love with him.

How pathetic am I???lol

Now I shall wait for his email. (sucker)

I have to go and give an art lesson to 17 kids tomorrow! That should take my mind of any emotional trauma! I shall let you know how it went...

Women for a change

2008-08-09T14:26:00.001+01:00

I recently became a member of the "Women for a Change" organisation. It is not actually up and running yet but they are getting the teams together. It mostly involves voluntary work with people all over the world, via the internet.

It is quite an interesting idea.

I was feeling so down again last night. I had a nice dream though, I dreamt that my shrink was with me, and he was so nice to me. He had his arms round me, and it felt nice. Not awkward or embarrasing.

I really wanted to contact him this morning. But I didn't. Instead I called a lady psychologist, who I had already made an appointment with and cancelled once before. I thought I had sorted things with R, but after that last session I can see we didnt. ( dont really like to refer to him as shrink, so I shall just call him R) I personally dont think that he handled his counter-transference well. I think his feelings were stronger than he would care to admit, it would have most likely affected the course of therepy in a very subtil way. This is possibly why sometimes he was so nice and other times he was rather cold and detatched.

I will see what L says (the new shrink)

What impressed me most about this lady is that a friend of mine only saw her 6 times and turned her life around. I have seen R for over a year, once a week and feel like no progression was made whatsoever. It was partly my fault for getting too involved emotionaly.

But then how could I not?

08:08:08

2008-08-08T13:57:00.001+01:00

Acording to the chinese, the number eight is very significant. That is why the olimpics started off today, they beleive that it is lucky, just like Europe last year with the 7th of July thing, this year for the Chinese it is big celebration day.

Well I suppose I have a few things to celebrate. The fact that I have survivided my split from my shrink so far. I would talk about that in more detail but my kids are at home and keep walking past the computer...I so want to contact him but I cant. I just cant.

I keep feeling melancholic and sorry for myself, and have to just really stop it!

I have to look ahead.

The other good thing is that Karen, from the restaurant I worked in last year, asked me to work for her again this month. Just three hours in the evening. (God loves me!!) It is good to take my mind off things. I am just concentrating on work at the moment. I have been collecting Carrob beans, and have done pretty well so far. I cant believe how fit I am phisically apart from the fibro.

I started doing Lu Jong over a year ago and it has really strengthened up my back muscles. I am impressed. I shall inform all Fibro patientes about the benefits of Lu Jong...
I have also joined this online Fibro thing, but it takes so bloody long to load and the computer goes stupid. It is such a shame because I have contacted some really nice people.

Will write again soon. After a week of working like this I shall probably be completely deadened.

First day of life

2008-08-06T16:28:00.001+01:00

Yesterday I was 41, not that I pay too much attention to all that, age and stuff, but it is a marker, because today is the first day of my new life (lol, who am I trying to kid)

I have Fibromialgia, apparently, and it is not easy to live with, not easy at all (see Fibro blog) That aside I have multiple problems. A husband who drinks too much and smokes too much hash, spends night out of the home and doesn't treat me too well.

Because of the Fibro I cant really work, just cant take the pace.

My future, I feel is bleak, with two children, it is a challenge to say the least. I constantly try and find things I can do to make a living, leave my husband and support myself. But it is impossible.

Just finished with my shrink today, and that wasnt nice. Never fall in love with your shrink! It just causes agravation, and beleive me, you are the one that gets hurt in the end